'Til Death Do Us Part

Hello there,

Write as though you were dying.

These are words spoken by an author at the Kingston Writer’s Festival. (I can’t remember the author!)

At the time, the meaning these words held for me was that I needed to write with a sense of urgency because none of us knows when our time will come.

As I sit here at my computer, I feel that there is something more here.

It means writing with honesty, integrity, vulnerability.

Honesty

“Honesty is a facet of moral character that connotes positive and virtuous attributes such as integrity, truthfulness, straightforwardness, including straightforwardness of conduct…Honesty also involves being trustworthy, loyal, fair, and sincere.” Wikipedia

According to Merriam Webster, the word honesty finds its roots in “Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin honestus honorable, from honos, honor”

To write with honor.

We should write as to bring something of worth, or of honor, to our writing.

Integrity

My friend Merriam Webster says that integrity “implies trustworthiness and incorruptibility to a degree that one is incapable of being false to a trust, responsibility, or pledge.”

We must write in such a way that the reader feels safe with us. In a way that the reader implicitly knows that I am “incapable of being false.”

Vulnerability

This word may be the hardest to stomach. To be vulnerable is to be open to being physically or emotionally wounded. Depending on the truth you speak, you could put yourself at risk of being physically wounded.

I find it hard to write with vulnerability. My writing is deeply personal (or should be). I think my problem is that I try to avoid being vulnerable. I am scared of those parts of myself I try to hide.

If I am honest though, when I listen to people speak, I hear their heart speaking to me. People will always reveal their true selves, if we take the time to listen.

So, in the same way others reveal themselves to me, I am revealing myself to others.

I kind of hope these “others” are not as perceptive as us writers. ha ha ha

One time, I tried to assert my own mysteriousness to someone. The person looked at me and said, “You’re an open book.” I was shocked and very disappointed in myself. I really thought I did a good job of hiding, but alas…I am an open book.

So, I will make it my goal to write with honesty, integrity and vulnerability.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Until next time,

Ellie

Write on, Write on ...

Hello there,

I am one day late in writing this blog post. But, I can promise you I have a very good excuse. I have a dreadful sinus cold. Does that count as an excuse?

As I was lazing around this morning, I wondered why is it that I can get myself up to go to work when I have a cold, but am not able to get my butt into gear to write.

Is it because they are paying me to work?

If yes, is it possible to pay myself to write? You know, set a dollar amount, like 50 dollars per hour, and then keep an Excel tracker of my expenses. At the end of the month, I have to transfer the money I earned writing into my savings account.

I actually think this isn’t a bad idea. (I think that NyQuil must be turning me into some kind of genius.)

The other thing that has come to me as I am sitting here writing is that there are people at work with expectations of me. They give me a salary and they expect me to earn my salary. They also expect me to show up for work. They depend on me.

Now, I have to say, I am very fortunate to have supportive managers. (If you’re sick, you’re sick!)

But, there’s still that something inside of us as human beings (being so insecure, I guess) that makes us not want to let others down.

So why is it that I can let myself down. Why is that okay? Why don’t I have expectations of myself when it comes to writing?

So many questions and I would love to hear how you, dear fellow writers or creative people, have learned to be more disciplined.

I guess the trick is to just write.

I am working on a short story where Jane Austen is a character (I know it’s been done, but I think Jane Austen gets pegged as a 19th Century Harlequin Romance writer, but she wasn’t. She was so much more. I would love to see Jane bring these naysayers down with her unmatched wit.)

While searching for some interesting quotes from the authoress for my story, I found this little tidbit from a letter she had written to her sister, Cassandra. Ms. Austen said, “I am not at all in a humor for writing; I must write on till I am” (Oct. 26, 1813).

It is a truth universally acknowledged that all writers, whether they lived in 19th Century England or 21st Century Canada, feel uninspired to write. But, I must “write on till I am”.

Until next time,

Ellie

Are you there, Muse? It’s me Ellie.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never felt the presence of this “Muse” other writers talk about.

“The word “muse” stems from Greek and Roman mythology, used to describe goddesses who preside over artistic disciplines. Today the word refers to a person who serves as an artist's source of inspiration ― traditionally, a role reserved for women.”  (Huffington Post article called, What It's Really Like To Be An Artist's Muse)

Ah, even the arts are reserved for men, but I digress, and I am only 85 words into this post.  (I just remember feeling annoyed by our current Prime Minister wanting to encourage women in science, when women in the arts are largely ignored.)

The idea that a muse is a person seems strange to me.  It seems to stem from our overly romanticized idea of love, that we need a person to inspire us to create.  HA!  I can absolutely confirm that I bloody well don’t.

As a Christian, to me, the “Muse” is the Holy Spirit.  I have found when I get out of the way, and trust the Spirit to lead me, my writing is much better.  There were a couple of times in university where I received the following comments:  It started out well, but you didn’t push the idea far enough (or something to that effect.)

I knew exactly the moment where I pulled back.  When I stopped working with the Spirit and took over.  I am not saying that the Spirit is the one writing. It is more like a partnership, if that makes sense.  I am still me.  The Spirit is still the Spirit. And, we work together to create something worthwhile. Something true.

I know that not everyone is Christian, so the Muse might be the Universe for you, or maybe you call your Muse, Bob.  Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame gave a Ted Talk called Your Elusive Creative Genius.  It’s definitely worth a view.

I just know that I cannot wait for the Muse to show up in order to write. I must either, i) sit my butt down at my computer and start typing or ii) plunk myself on the sofa with a pad of paper and pen in hand and start writing. 

Either way, Ellie must show up for work. Kind of like this morning when I realized I hadn’t written my blog for Friday morning.  Oops. Next week’s topic – Discipline?

I would love to hear your stories of creative inspiration, even if that inspiration is a literal person named, Bob.

Until next time,

Ellie

Success!

How do you measure success? 

The good thing about being Canadian is that there is no money in Canada.  Meaning, you can have success as a writer in this country and still need to have a 9 to 5 job.  It kind of sucks, but it also keeps you pretty grounded.  The thing that strikes me most at Writer’s Festivals is just that - how grounded the writers are and very supportive of new talent. They’re very willing to share what they know and cheer us on. Plus, Canadians are as funny as heck, so it’s always a good time.

It’s amusing how some people seem to think the following":

• Ellie will write a novel

• Ellie will become famous and rich (of course) and say, “So long, 9 to 5”. 

• Ellie will most likely not become either of these two things

Just the opposite, I think. I mean really , people, I’m currently sitting on a pension plan, benefits and a decent salary. Why would I give all that up to be a struggling artist?  I’m not a bloody actor, after all. 

And here is the blessing in being a writer. We have skills that make us employable in offices.  (Not to put down actors and musicians, but I’ve heard more than one actor or musician saying, “Thank God I made it because what else would I do?”  Unlike our unfortunate brothers and sisters of the actor persuasion, we writers can have stable jobs.

And, this I think is a measure of success. At least for me it is.  I’ve started 2020 with a new attitude.  Writing is my real job.  My 9 to 5 is my hobby. 

I took the month of January off to write and I discovered that after two weeks of being at home, I was ready to head back to the office.  I wondered how people do this writing thing full time. It’s hard work!  (You’ll be glad to know that this desire to head back to the office passed quickly, and I returned to my senses before calling my manager up and telling him I was coming home.)

But I digress.  I still have this idea that success in writing means being published.  Even though my better judgment tells me that getting published really means you have a book launch that only your friends show up to, and that you probably won’t even get a harsh critique of your novel because no one in the media world even knows you got published.  How’s that for brutal honesty?

I want to challenge my own idea of what success looks like and stop with all the glittery, sparkle, which is probably why I am drawn to these three quotes on success. All poignant and wonderful.

1. Do not measure success by today's harvest. Measure success by the seeds you plant today. Robert Louis Stevenson

2. Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it. Maya Angelou

3. You measure success by how much good you do for others. Zig Ziglar

How do you measure success? 

Until next time,

Ellie

PS - I should say that if your idea of success includes wealth and fame, know that this is okay. Let’s strive to be a supportive and loving community, accepting each other as we are.  How revolutionarily wonderful!

Characters are people too...

Hello there,

Last time I wrote about how I am a “bit” of a control freak, meaning, I am a control freak.

On the exterior, people see a calm demeanor, a relaxed, mellow Ellie, but on the inside, I am a churning volcano, ready to blow!

Okay, maybe that’s not the most accurate image, but sometimes it feels that way. 

Characters are people and I confess I don’t particularly like people. I mean, I do and I don’t.  People have expectations. We’re insecure and fearful and our behavior and actions come from these places. (I thought when I graduated high school, I was done with that nonsense, until I started working in an office – “Holy Moly” as Grumpy Old Man, Max Goldman (Walter Matthau) would say.) 

And so, part of my desire to control my characters came from the fact that I can’t control the characters around me.  I was thinking, how wonderful, I have some people I’ve created that I can control, but lo and behold, they are uncontrollable too.

My question is this:  If a writer isn’t so fond of people, can that person be a good writer?  My fellow writers, are you fond of people?

Honesty and vulnerability are important qualities or characteristics needed in any human being.  Maybe I’ve stumbled on the answer.

If I feel somewhat distraught by humanity – our flaws, our propensity to continue to get it wrong – repeat history – make the same mistakes – repeat the same errors – then I need to lean into this feeling as a writer and embrace it in my writing; otherwise, the reader will know I am a fraud and toss my novel, poetry, etc. aside.

Fortunately, I have hope and faith that in the end, it will turn out well.  Isn’t that what Woody Allan had Gertrude Stein say in Midnight in Paris? 

“We all fear death and question our place in the universe. The artist's job is not to succumb to despair, but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.”

If you need a break and a good laugh at the struggles a writer has with character, The Man Who Invented Christmas is a good movie.   Charles Dickens and Scrooge – one of the most unforgettable characters in literature. But, do I mean Scrooge or Dickens?  We’ll never know.

Until next time,

Ellie

What a character!

Hello there,

Writer friends, I am sure you’ve realized this truth long before I did.

• Characters never do what you want them to do. 

For some reason, I was of the belief that since I had created these characters, I could control them.  (I am a bit of a control freak. I like things to be structured, predictable, you know controlled.) 

You know that old saying, “The pen is mightier than the sword”? Well, it is wrong! These characters refuse to yield to my mighty pen.

For instance, in my current project, I have “created” a main character who is quiet.  I really wanted to explore or highlight the quiet type. (By the way, if you’re an introvert, the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking is wonderful.) 

What I found while writing the story is that the “stronger” characters, which is just a way of saying the louder characters, overtook and overshadowed my main character. How dare they!

It began to feel like I needed to elbow these loud characters out of the way to make room for my quiet character. Or, to give them a good body check into the boards in good old-fashioned Canadian style. 

My character needed room or space to grow.  I may have threatened to kill them off if they didn’t behave!

But, I knew in my heart that killing them off wouldn’t help the situation.  My job was to somehow, without murdering everyone else in the story, was to make sure my main character gets the space he needs to grow.

So, I went back and began to create some solitary space for him. My task now is to really focus on his inner dialogue. Maybe the other characters in his day to day life don’t see his value, but darn it all, the reader will.

I’ve also brought in a character or two, who can see beyond the skin’s surface. 

All in all, I’ve learned three important lessons in literature and in life:

1. I am not God,

2. I am not in control, and

3. I need to trust the characters, that they know the story that needs to be told

I think I am on the right path now, but like my novel, I am a work in progress.

Please feel free to share your thoughts, lessons learned. I would love to hear them!

Until next time,

Ellie

Writing and the 5 Stages of Grief

I remember sitting on a train on my way to visit my cousin the Greater Toronto Area (“GTA”).  With pen in hand, and a notebook sitting on the unsteady table in front of me, I inhaled, and said (in my inside voice), “I am a writer.”

It was the first time I admitted it to myself.  And, it took me several years to begin to tell random people or to submit my work for publication, let alone share my work with anyone I personally knew. 

The journey toward declaring yourself a writer is like going through the 5 stages of grief and loss.

1.       Denial and isolation

The first stage is the classic denial of who you are, not to mention the voluntary isolation you need in order to write. 

It’s difficult to admit to yourself, let alone anyone else that you are a writer.  People want to know what you’ve published.  And, if you’ve published absolutely nothing, they give you that look.  You know the one that plainly says that you’re not really a writer.  You’ve had nothing published, or if you have had something published, they’ve never heard of it.  Since Hollywood has not come knocking on your door to option your brilliant work of fiction, in their eyes, ‘You delusional weirdo are a nothing, a nobody, a loser.’ 

2.       Anger

This frustration leads to anger.  You become irritable and hard to live with.  So difficult in fact, that your spouse leaves you.  Your children decide to go and live with their father. Your ever patient and faithful dog even runs away from home.

Now you find yourself writing poetry. 

Or worse, you’ve decided to learn how to play guitar and begin to write country songs.

There is hope.  It’s called meditation and classical music.  But who needs that garbage? You rage against the granola eating, tree-hugging, love-peace-and-not-war hippies and throw on some heavy metal until your elderly neighbour calls the police on you.

Then, you limp quietly to the next stage.

3.       Bargaining

Bargaining is my favourite stage. 

You rage at God/the Creator/the universe for making you this way and ask Him to remove the gift he has so graciously bestowed upon you. If you believe in reincarnation, you probably believe you’ve done something completely reprehensible in a past life. 

You weep and wail and tear your clothes, crying out, “Why me, Lord?  What did I ever do to you?” 

Maybe bargaining isn’t my favourite stage.  It gives way to the next stage, where bad habits and addictions are formed.  We are truly on the edge of …

4.       Depression

Writers do not see the world the way others see it.  I think we really see it in all its forms – the good and the bad.  I might even argue that we do not see the world but feel it. And this feeling lends its way nicely with depression.  I say writers do not drink because our lives are so much more difficult than other’s lives. No, we drink because writing is hard.  And feeling is harder.  Forcing yourself to really look inside of you, is horrid.  I mean, why would you torture yourself like this. Most people don’t.  So, some writers turn to the bottle.  (Or, maybe it’s the editing process that turns a teetotaler into a raging alco!)

My favourite part of being a creative person is that I find that I am depressed when I am not writing, and I am depressed when I am writing.  A colleague asked me how they would know the difference.  My response, “You won’t.”

5.       Acceptance

And finally, there is peace or rather resignation in acceptance. 

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamothe helped me see who I truly am. She told us writers not to be concerned about publishing.  She said writer’s write!  We will learn and grow from the process of writing. We will learn nothing from publishing, other than the fact that the book launch will last all of five minutes, only your dearest friends will show up and the critics (if you’re lucky enough for anyone to even know that you have published a book), will tear your beloved work to shreds, ensuring the masses won’t even bother to buy it even if it’s in a one dollar bin (which is where it will likely end up).

It was this sage advice that helped me accept who I truly am – a writer.  This is a fact and is not dependent on anyone’s disappointed reaction to my lack of publishing or anything else for that matter.  What a triumph! 

* It is important to note that writers who are coming to terms with their creative self, do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.  So, put down the bottle and pick up a pen.