Shortly around new year’s I was walking Astra one morning. It was early and deserted. A young man was walking down the path toward us. Astra became a bit nervous. I was telling her it was, “Okay”, but with a strange man approaching, I am not sure if I believed it. When he got closer, he said, “Don’t worry,” and kept walking. He might have been a University of Ottawa student, as he went up to Laurier Avenue, to cross the bridge over the Rideau Canal.
“Don’t worry.” Words that are found in the Bible. I tried to “Google” how many times, but the search engine goes straight to “Do not fear”. These words are mentioned 365 times in the Bible. One scripture verse for every day. Thankfully, someone has already completed the exercise of going through the Bible and listing them: https://believersportal.com/list-365-fear-not-bible-verses/
Truth be told, I have been struggling for months or even years. The sudden interest in MAiD for my dad might just be about me. I am unmarried. I have no children. I am an only child. (Well, I have a half-sister and niece, but as she came into our lives when I was in my twenties, it doesn’t feel like a real sibling.) Once my parents are gone, what motivation do I have to go on living? My writing? I don’t think that is enough.
Over Christmas I watched, The Man Who Invented Christmas. Charles Dickens is quoted as saying, “No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”
While making a coconut cream pie (with my favourite, a graham crust and real whipping cream), I put on the movie Eat, Pray, Love. (Talk about messed up, that Elizabeth Gilbert. 😊 )
It put me to mind that something has to change. I can’t possibly go on like this – depressed, apathetic, lethargic, angry, unthankful, miserable, hating my life, my job, even my friends (to a point).
I look at the Potvin clan. My dad and my uncle. Both unmarried. Alone. And I am afraid that is who I am becoming.
The bad choices my dad and uncle made early on in their lives (the drinking), have come back to haunt them, like the Ghost of Christmas past. (I don’t have a drinking problem, at least. I barely touch alcohol, except for cooking salmon and chicken/turkey stews/pot pies.) But, there are other similarities that scare me, and the fact that my dad could very likely suffer a fatal stroke or heart attack in his apartment and not be discovered for an entire week, scares me.
He doesn’t seem to be afraid of this reality, or maybe he just doesn’t care. I do. I care a lot.
And, then I hear the words, “Don’t worry” and “Do not fear” and I think the answer is in these words.
I don’t like new year’s resolutions. We all break them. But, this year, I will try to change my thoughts. To stop myself when I start to go down the negative rabbit hole. I will try to find a balance between being thankful for what I have, while still hoping for the things I would like to have. That sounds like a good start to 2023.
Thanks Charles Dickens and Elizabeth Gilbert. (Hey, bet she never thought she’d be mentioned in the same sentence as C.D.)
Thank you for reading,
Ellie